It’s a question we’ve all asked ourselves at one point or another—but only semi-classic ‘80s magazine Pizzazz had the wherewithal to commission this blindingly awesome artwork of the supergroup that would result.

There’s just an unbelievable amount of awesomeness here. Why is Cap so happy? Why is Dr. Strange so unhappy? Can Dr. Strange only use his mystic magic to play the guitar if his hand is hovering just above the strings? How the hell did C-3PO get involved in this insanity? Was the Hulk originally hired to play the drums, but backed out at the last second, forcing Linda’s manager to search outside our galaxy for a replacement drummer?

All I know is that I want this beautiful, stunning artwork painted on the side of my van. Also, I want a van.

H/t Josh Frulinger!

Contact the author at rob@io9.com.

Deadspin I Could Defeat At Least Eight Of This Year’s Most Influential Teens | Kotaku Here Is A Montage Of People Pretending To Be Into VR At The PlayStation Conference | Jezebel My Sleepless Night Alone at the Allegedly Haunted Lizzie Borden B&B | Jalopnik What It’s Like To Drive The Deadest Car Alive

Ebola is a filovirus, and although it is the best-known of the Filovirdae, it’s no worse than its cousin, Marburg virus. One is named for the Ebola river in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, and the other is named for a town in Germany. But how did a virus from Africa get a German name?

Marburg virus is a hemorrhagic fever that, like many others (including Ebola), originates in Africa. Hemorrhagic fevers earn their name by damaging the blood vessels, causing nearly every part of the body to leak blood. They have an incredibly high death rate. One strain of Marburg virus has a ninety percent fatality rate. There have been fatal cases reported in Kenya, Angola, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

Marburg virus first became world news when it killed laboratory workers in Germany and Serbia in 1967. Early accounts call it “Green Monkey Disease.” It had infected a group of green monkeys that were taken to Marburg, Frankfurt, and Belgrade for laboratory research. Laboratory workers were using the monkeys to develop polio vaccines, but used little personal protection while working with tissue cultures.

Given the circumstances, it’s surprising that so few people got sick: only 25 lab worked in three cities. And only six people contracted the sickness from the laboratory workers. (Most of them were hospital workers who had attended the patients. One was the wife of the veterinarian working with the monkeys.) Marburg was by far the hardest hit, with twenty-three of the total cases and a 30 percent death rate. By 1969, researchers were nicknaming the strange zoonotic disease “Marburg virus.”

Over the years, there have been a few other laboratory outbreaks, but all of them involved researchers who were studying the disease itself. There have been many more outbreaks in the wild. According to the World Health Organization, there may be vaccines on the horizon, but they are all in their testing stage.

[Sources: CDC, WHO]

Image: CDC/ Dr. J. Lyle Conrad Second Image: CDC

To outsiders, 17-year-old Gladys MacKnight seemed an unlikely killer, as did her boyfriend, 18-year-old Donald Wightman. But to those who knew the high school sweethearts, the death of Gladys’ mother, Helen, wasn’t entirely shocking. (Though being hacked to death in one’s own kitchen certainly is.)

It was August 1936; both Gladys and Donald had graduated from high school in Bayonne, New Jersey earlier that year. Helen disapproved of the relationship but permitted it, probably because her headstrong daughter would’ve resisted her attempts to restrict it. On the night in question, accounts vary on what events led up to the murders. Some sources say Gladys and Donald had been out drinking beer together, while other claimed Donald just showed up to visit. Gladys’ father, Edgar MacKnight, was still at work, so the trio was alone in the house.

There’d been prior tension between them. Helen was “old-fashioned,” according to the couple, and they’d “jokingly” discussed murdering her. The joke became terrifyingly real when Gladys and her mother began arguing over something incredibly petty: Gladys wanted to go play tennis with her boyfriend before it got dark, and wanted to eat dinner beforehand. Her mother told her no problem—but said that Gladys would have to make her own meal.

Oh, THE NERVE! Out came the hatchet, and down went Helen. But who actually struck her—and why—became the case’s biggest sticking point. The woman’s body was discovered when Edgar returned from his job later that evening. The police had a pretty good idea who they were looking for—after hearing Helen’s terrified screams, a neighbor had inquired after her well-being... and had been rudely shooed away by the teens. The same neighbor saw them peeling out soon after, and police caught up to them shortly.

Gladys’ statement on the stand at her trial offered a different version of events; she claimed she and Donald had been stealing a kiss in the kitchen when her mother flew at her with a knife. They fought in self-defense, you see. And Donald had been the one to deliver the fatal blows. This testimony contradicted what she’d told police earlier, when she herself confessed to repeatedly chopping into her mother’s skull while Donald held the woman’s arms. (Gladys claimed that confession had been “manufactured” by the cops, though she apparently later admitted it was true.)

Newspaper accounts of the crime took particular interest in Gladys’ unsettling demeanor, offering vivid descriptions like this one from the Pittsburg Press:

As the state neared the end of its case, Gladys retained all the icy composure she has displayed since the trial started. Her mask-like face with a feline cast showed no evidence of emotion.

(That same article also calls her a “poker-faced schoolgirl.”)

True-crime anthology book Murdered in New Jersey offers this take on Gladys, via one of the detectives who interviewed her:

She was the coolest thing I ever saw. All the time she talked she sat with one leg thrown over the arm of the chair. She smoked one cigarette after another. She weighed every word before she replied to questions.

Though the prosecutor vowed to seek the death penalty, there wasn’t enough evidence to pursue first-degree murder charges—especially taking into account all of the wildly inconsistent finger-pointing and blame-admitting that had transpired. But Helen MacKnight was most certainly dead, and these two were both to blame for that fact. They’d both admitted their participation, even if they couldn’t agree on who did what, exactly.

Still, there’d be no electric chair. Gladys and Donald were convicted of second-degree murder and sentenced them to the maximum allowed at the time: 30 years of hard labor. Gladys was paroled in 1950; history doesn’t say when Donald was released, but it seems certain they never met again. At least one account has the young man shouting “You’ve made a murderer out of me!” at his ex when their guilty verdict was returned.

Top image: Gladys MacKnight and Donald Wightman after being arrested in connection with the slaying of Helen MacKnight on Aug. 7, 1936. (AP Photo)

If you have any Sherlock fans on your holiday shopping list, you can go ahead and cross them off today.

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Last night’s Agents of SHIELD was a pretty simple story: the tale of what happened to Agent Simmons during the six months she was missing. True to recent SHIELD form, though, “4,722 Hours” did set up some expectations and then pull the alien rug out from under us, in a pretty neat way. Spoilers ahead...

Basically, “4,722 Hours” is the story of Jemma Simmons being trapped on an alien planet at the pole, where the sun only rises for a few minutes once every 18 years. At first, she assumes that she’ll be rescued right away, because SHIELD protocols call for her to wait for extraction—and because she doesn’t realize that SHIELD won’t figure out that the obelisk is a portal (even though NASA and a bunch of 18th century people figured it out just fine.)

Once Jemma gives up on being rescued, she sets her mind to surviving while she figures out a way out of there. She gets caught in a sandstorm that nearly ends her, but then she locates a big pool of water—and when a tentacle monster in the water tries to eat her, she eats part of it instead. Later, she hunts the tentacle monster and eats the rest of it.

But it’s only when Jemma gets captured by a mysterious figure that the episode goes into high gear. And here’s where the episode sets up a couple of expectations and then subverts them with a pleasing deftness. First, you sort of assume that this is an alien monster that’s captured Jemma. Then, when it turns out to be a stranded human, he appears to be a psycho who’s keeping her in a cage because he thinks she’s a hallucination.

At last, when we learn that the stranded human is a NASA astronaut named Will whose comrades all died due to the intervention of some “thing” on the planet, it looks very much as though Will has lost his marbles and probably killed his crewmates. He keeps telling Jemma to stay away from one area on the planet, the “No Fly Zone,” and that appears to be where his secrets are. Worse yet, the flashback to his crewmates’ deaths shows Will killing one of them—albeit in self defense, according to Will.

The whole episode seems to be building up to Will having gone bonkers, and it seems as though Will doesn’t actually want to be rescued any more. When Jemma comes up with a plan to track the motion of the stars and calculate the planet’s rotation so she can figure out where the portal will open next, Will seems skeptical almost to the point of sabotage. I was more or less expecting Will to turn on Jemma and announce that she can’t leave or he’ll kill her like the others.

But no—the surprise is that Will is actually a pretty decent person, and being around Jemma (whose can-do optimism and resourcefulness are infectious) make him a better, more hopeful person. He even develops a sense of humor.

Jemma finally does put her escape plan in motion—and as the sad gif up top shows, it doesn’t pan out so well. The portal opens across a bigger-than-expected chasm, and they just narrowly miss sending a “message in a bottle” through.

And then... Jemma actually falls for this guy, now that he’s slowly become a decent, helpful person again under her influence. He never tries anything on her, even though he’s clearly into her, so it’s both sad and sweet when she finally kisses him, because she’s given up on escaping.

The other big surprise comes when they’re finally making a life on this planet, even digging up a (revolting) bottle of wine from a previous castaway. The portal opens just when they’re preparing to watch the rare sunrise, and Fitz sends off a flare. And then it turns out the monster that Will warned about is real, and it’s very Steven Moffat-esque: a scary spacesuit, covered with weird vines and shit.

And then... we know the rest. Jemma makes it back to Earth, thanks to Fitz. But now that she’s home and regathering her wits, she wants to go right back to Planet Ick, because she still needs to rescue Will. Her boyfriend. Fitz is crestfallen to hear there’s someone else, but—not surprisingly—offers to help almost right away.

Oh, and there’s one last surprise. I sort of expected the final “sting” at the end of the episode to be a teaser to some other storyline, like the ongoing Grant Ward/Hydra thing. But instead, it’s a sad, mournful shot of Will alone on the planet, with the now-useless gun he used to hold off the monster. Watching as the ultra-rare sunlight fades away.

Which reminds me. The use of the blue filter and muted crepuscular lighting really does create an oppressive effect after a while, which makes the final scenes back on Earth a lot more jarring, and adds a little kick when you see Will there on the planet, in normal lighting for once.

This was a great episode for Jemma Simmons—not just because she got to be even more resourceful and steely-nerved than when she was undercover with Hydra, but also because she got to show a huge emotional range. And we see the strength of her bond with Fitz—seeing him on her little handheld device keeps her sane—but also the core of her character: She brings out the problem-solving optimist in other people. It’s an interesting character-focused episode for a character who spent a huge chunk of last season being portrayed as a borderline sadistic xenophobe who hated and feared aliens.

Charlie Jane Anders is the author of All The Birds in the Sky, coming in January from Tor Books. Follow her on Twitter, and email her.

Why Props Matter by Rishi Kaneria is an excellent short about all the different ways that inanimate objects enrich the story being told. Try removing these props from the scenes they’re in, and you’ll rapidly discover how integral they are.

Contact the author at katharine@io9.com.

“The Fury of the Firestorm” was the cheesiest episode of The Flash to date, but even if it was so-so, it answered one of the biggest mysteries regarding the CW DC universe’ third show, Legends of Tomorrow. Much more importantly, it included the greatest final Flash scene since the debut of Grodd.

As the title indicates—as well as last week’s discussion about how Dr. Stein needs someone to bond with to form Firestorm before his body burns up—Dr. Stein is in bad shape. Happily, Caitlin Snow has found two people with the right blood type who were hit with the same dark matter that affected Stein and Ronnie Raymond: Henry Hewitt, a scientist, and Jefferson “Jax” Jackson, a former high school football star-turned mechanic. Caitlin is obviously pro-HH, him being a scientist and all, but when HH is brought to STAR Labs, the fusion is unsuccessful.

So the SuperSTARS turn to Jax, who initially says no, as the particle accelerator/dark matter accident caused him to bust his leg, destroy his chance at playing college football, a scholarship, etc. Mainly he considers the accelerator accident the night his life was ruined, and wants to move past it. Fair enough! Except Caitlin doesn’t quite see it that way; she’s quite irritated that this Jefferson Jackson kid would 1) not instantly agree to come to a mysterious lab for some mysterious purpose, and 2) choose to be a mechanic instead of going to college. She’s more or less happy telling everyone that Jackson is a garbage person, even Jackson himself.

Umm.

It’s actually really uncomfortable for this white woman to be complaining that a black man is too uneducated and lazy to be a hero, although at least The Flash has enough sense to have HH also be a person of color, so Caitlin’s attacks seem personal instead of just racist. But it also feels like HH’s ethnicity was very much a deliberate choice by the showrunners, because they realized Caitlin’s lines sounded horribly, horribly racist. I think a better choice would have been to change the lines themselves, but whatever.

Anyways, when Jackson learns the gray-haired Dr. Stein is going to die without his help, Jax of course offers to merge, and of course it works, and voila, we have a brand new Firestorm. But of course—there’s a lot of “of courses” in this episode—trying to merge with Dr. Stein has awoken HH’s minor Firestorm-esque powers, and of course he’s an asshole, and of course the new Firestorm has to help the Flash to defeat him, which of course they do, without much trouble.

It’s all pretty perfunctory, and it’s all a perfectly acceptable episode, with the exception of Caitlin being borderline racist for a while. Really, it seems that “The Fury of the Firestorm” exists solely to a couple of mysteries about the upcoming Legends of Tomorrow: 1) Who the hell is Jay Johnson playing? Well, he’s playing Jefferson Jackson, a.k.a. Jax. 2) How will Dr. Stein become Firestorm on the show if Ronnie Raymond isn’t part of the cast? Again, Jax.

This mystery has been more mysterious than it should have been, mainly because the first season The Flash introduced Jason Rusch, the character-of-color who becomes Firestorm in the DC comics. I don’t know if the old actor wasn’t available or maybe the didn’t think he could star in Legends, but rather than recast the role of Jason, they hired Franz Drameh as Jefferson Jackson and then let us wonder who the hell that was (it also didn’t help that they described Jax as a high school football player, exactly as the DC character Cyborg was before he… well, got all cyborg-y).

As it turns out Jax actually is a character from the DC Comics, although a very minor one; he was good friends with Ronnie Raymond in high school and went on double-dates with him and was very much not ever a part of the Firestorm matrix. I suppose the nerd in me wishes that Jason Rusch had returned, but to be fair, the Jax/Stein pairing is much, much more interesting than Rusch would have been, or Ronnie Raymond was. Both RR and Rusch were scientists in the Arrow-verse, so they would have been on the same page as Stein pretty much 100% of the time. Now, the brilliant but socially naïve Stein will be a voice in the head of the young, ready-for-action, not-at-all scientifically minded Jax, a pairing which should be far more interesting to watch in Legends of Tomorrow. Which was exactly the point, I imagine!

So Jax and Stein fly off for training (a.k.a. prep for the Legends premiere) and Barry starts giving an incredibly on-the-nose, lame speech inspired about “taking a chance,” ostensibly about Jax’s willingness to merge with an old man while on fire, but which Barry is mostly using to psych himself to ask out Patty Spivot.

This is when King Shark arrives and things get GREAT.

It was done so perfectly! In the beginning of the episode, Patty gave a bunch of shark teeth found in an alley to Barry for examination; she laughingly tells him that a witness saw a “shark walking away” which ha ha, isn’t that crazy, but given everything else happening in Central City let’s not totally dismiss it. But then it’s never mentioned again until King Shark’s giant fin-hand flies into frame and grabs the Flash by his throat. (You can and should watch the scene below.)

Let’s completely ignore the question of how the hell a giant bipedal shark-man managed to sneak up on the fastest man alive, and just be glad it happened. King Shark! Was on TV! In primetime! He was a giant CG creation and he looked pretty good! It was a beautiful thing to see, especially watching Barry kick his legs pitifully as King Shark namedropped Zoom while Patty Spivot fired bullet after ineffective bullet.

Suddenly, though, King Shark collapses, and a hooded man lowers a strange energy weapon. The man walks away, as if the Flash isn’t going to be able to catch up to him in seconds, which he immediately does. And of course under the hood is none other than HARRISON MOTHER-FLIPPIN’ WELLS. ROLL CREDITS.

The “next week on” preview instantly identifies this is Earth-2 Wells, who has come to help fight Zoom, as Zoom has “poisoned” his world and Wells ostensibly wants to help save Earth-1..Can Wells be trusted? Can Barry and the others trust Wells even if they should? How does Zoom figure into this? I don’t know, but ladies and gentlemen, I think season two The Flash is officially about to kick into high gear.

Assorted Musings:

• Iris meets her mom, and basically tells her to blow. Eventually Iris’ mom admits she’s dying, and Iris meets her again… except that Iris has done research and discovered that she has a brother or half-brother somewhere, and tells her mom to blow again, but also never tell Joe, because learning he has a son he wasn’t there for will break his heart.

• I’m not super-excited about more West family secrets, but I do like how Iris is at least a badass in her own storyarc. I just wish her storyarcs weren’t completely separate from the rest of the cast.

• Midway through the episode, Dr. Tina McGee of Mercury Labs catches Harrison Wells breaking in (presumably for the energy weapon he uses to stop King Shark in the final scene). When Joe arrives to investigate, Tina says she saw Wells, walking again, and asks Joe, “Is there any possible way he’s still alive?” Joe instantly replies “No.” JOE. COME ON. WE’VE ALREADY GONE OVER EARTH-2. YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIGURE THIS OUT BY NOW.

• Even Dr. Stein gets weird about Jax. Once they’ve merged, Dr. Stein starts commenting about Jackson’s “natural athleticism” and I know the show means it because he played football, but coupled with Caitlin’s comments it’s still really, really uncomfortable. We were one Dr. Stein quip about suddenly having a big dick from total calamity.

• Barry casually mentions that HH is imprisoned in the pipeline until he promises to keep quiet about the whole ordeal. So in case you were wonderng if the SuperSTARS are back to unlawfully imprisoning people, the answer is yes, even if those people are basically only guilty of property damage and causing a mild public disturbance.

• Jax’s nickname for Dr. Stein is “gray.” I’m not sure how I feel about this yet.

• Caitlin gives Jax a compass Ronnie once gave her. 1) It’s super-bizarre that Ronnie gave his fiancée a compass and 2) it’s bizarre she’s giving it to a dude she met about two hours earlier. I assume it’s going to play a major role in Legends of Tomorrow, but right now it’s a complete non-sequitur.

• One more thing: I’m still confused about how Barry’s dad took off in the season premiere. However, I’m slightly gratified to learn that the cast of The Flash is just as baffled as I am. I really, really hope there’s still a reason for this weirdness coming later this season.

Contact the author at rob@io9.com.

When there’s a movie as big as Batman v Superman on the way, all sorts of wild and wonderful rumors make their way onto the web. Who’s in it? Who are the villains? Are there other superhero cameos? Then there’s the absolute crazy ones, like this: What if Ben Affleck’s Batman... wasn’t really Batman at all?

Yup. That’s currently the thrust of a bizarre rumor/fan theory/insane rant swirling around the internet, courtesy of Total Spoilers. Sadly you can’t copy text from the site, so you’ll have to head on over to read the outlandish, multiple-thousands of words “thesis” that claims to reveal Batman v Superman’s ultimate twist, but here’s the general gist of it:

Ben Affleck isn’t playing Bruce Wayne. He’s playing Slade Wilson—the comic book character Deathstroke—in disguise as Batman. What else? Christian Bale’s Batman is still Batman, connecting the Man of Steel universe to Christopher Nolan’s wildly popular Dark Knight trilogy. Just let that sink in for a second before you rightfully respond with “Wait, WHAT!?”

The theory—which seems to mainly be born out of a somehow still-existent fear that oh no, Ben Affleck is playing Batman—is “backed up” by the fact that Deathstroke has masqueraded as the Dark Knight before, most notably in the 2005 “Wanted” storyline in Outsiders, and the suit that Slade wore during that storyline is vaguely similar to the suit Batfleck wears in Batman v Superman. Here’s a picture of that suit, by the way, which is admittedly similar—in the way that it’s also a goddamn Batman costume. The already shaky evidence gets shakier when the thesis draws the conclusion that Batman’s cry of “Do you bleed?” in the first trailer is similar to Deathstroke’s own catchphrase “I will make you bleed” in the fighting video game Injustice: Gods Among Us, and the fact that Deathstroke has had his own butler in the comics (just like Alfred!).

It gets somehow even worse/better! Total Spoilers goes on to connect the film to Christopher Nolan universe by making the claim that Jared Leto’s Joker isn’t the Joker either, but actually a fallen, traumatized Robin—specifically, Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s John Blake from The Dark Knight Rises, who revealed his name was Robin at the end of the movie.

This ties into connections fans have already made between the bullet-ridden Robin suit shown in Batman v Superman’s Comic-Con trailer and similar wounds on Leto!Joker’s tattooed body, but with the added twist of attempting to integrate Batman v Superman into a post-Nolan continuity. So somehow, Batman v Superman would be set after The Dark Knight Rises but with Blake as Robin working with Deathstroke as Batman? And at some point, Blake becomes the next Joker? Oh god, my head hurts.

A final kicker? The film is allegedly called Batman v Superman rather than Batman vs. Superman because the “V” is actually the Roman numeral for 5, indicating that this is the fifth movie in the Nolanverse continuity, counting Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises, and Man of Steel as direct predecessors.

If you’re somehow still reading this and your brain hasn’t willingly ejected out of the back of your own skull, congratulations. Because this rumor—which, I mean, it goes without saying that it’s basically never going to happen, because it is insane—has to be one of the most outlandish things we’ve heard about Batman v Superman. Or hell, any movie. Having tried to process all of that madness, I think I’m going to go and lie down for a bit.

[Via The Huffington Post]

Here’s the first look at the cover art of a brand new fairytale anthology from Saga Press, The Starlit Wood. What do you think is even happening in this picture? There’s a tree with glowy light inside it, and weird contraptions and scaffolding outside, and what the heck is this?

The Starlit Wood: New Fairy Tales is edited by Dominik Parisien & Navah Wolfe, and it comes out in October 2016. It’s “an all-new anthology of seventeen original fairy tale retellings, which came together out of a desire to explore old stories in new and innovative ways.” Some of the fairytales being retold are from the classic Brothers Grimm canon, while others are newly rediscovered old stories.

Contributors include Naomi Novik, Garth Nix, io9 contributor Genevieve Valentine, Karin Tidbeck, Daryl Gregory, Theodora Goss, Max Gladstone, Seanan McGuire, Aliette de Bodard, Catherynne M. Valente, and Jeffrey Ford. [Full disclosure: I’m also lucky enough to be included there.] And the cover art is by the supertalented Benjamin Carré, while the book will also include interior art by Stella Björg.

Here are all the details, including the table of contents!

Once upon a time in the desert, in a tower, on a spaceship, in the Other Country...

For centuries, storytellers have crafted timeless tales that have always found a place in our hearts. Here, a new generation of critically acclaimed, award-winning writers have taken up their mantle and shaped traditional and extraordinary fairy tales into something startling and electrifying.

From castles to canyons, a post-human landscape to a pixelated dungeon, from the far future to fantastical realms, The Starlit Wood transforms seventeen stories you thought you knew and takes you on a journey at once unexpected and familiar across time, space, and amazing new worlds.

Cover art is by Benjamin Carré, and the book will include interior art by Stella Björg.

The table of contents is below.

· The Super Ultra Duchess of Fedora Forest by Charlie Jane Anders

· Pearl by Aliette de Bodard

· The Thousand Eyes by Jeffrey Ford

· Giants in the Sky by Max Gladstone

· The Other Thea by Theodora Goss

· Even the Crumbs Were Delicious by Daryl Gregory

· Reflected by Kat Howard

· Some Wait by Stephen Graham Jones

· When I Lay Frozen by Margo Lanagan

· The Briar and the Rose by Marjorie M. Liu

· In the Desert Like a Bone by Seanan McGuire

· Penny For a Match, Mister? by Garth Nix

· Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik

· The Tale of Mahliya and Mauhub and the White-Footed Gazelle by Sofia Samatar

· Underground by Karin Tidbeck

· Badgirl, the Deadman, and the Wheel of Fortune by Catherynne M. Valente

· Familiaris by Genevieve Valentine

And here’s the full cover art:

And here it is without a frame or any words on it:

Now you only have to wait a year until you can buy it!

Charlie Jane Anders is the author of All The Birds in the Sky, coming in January from Tor Books.Follow her on Twitter, and email her.

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Update: Sold out

Ultimate Ears’ MEGABOOM Bluetooth speaker is the XL, waterproof version of the best Bluetooth speaker on the market, and you can save nearly $70 on yours today, which is by far the best deal we’ve ever seen. [UE MEGABOOM Wireless Bluetooth Speaker, $232]

http://gizmodo.com/ue-megaboom-th...

Samsung’s 850 EVO is by far the most popular consumer SSD on the market, and its 500GB model is back down to its all-time low price today. [Samsung 850 EVO 500GB 2 5” SATA III Internal SSD, $150]

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Samsung-85...

For the past half year or so, the price floor on 2TB external drives has been $70, with few exceptions. Today though, you can score one for $66 on Adorama’s eBay storefront, while supplies last. [WD Elements 2TB External Drive, $66]

http://www.ebay.com/itm/WD-Element...

Everyone with a kitchen should obviously own a Lodge cast iron pan, but this cast iron griddle can certainly come in handy as well. [Lodge Pre-Seasoned Cast Iron Square Grill Pan with Silicone Handle Holder, 10.5”, $23]

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WTSCXBA/...

http://bestsellers.kinja.com/bestsellers-lo...

If you live near a Sam’s Club, but the membership fee has scared you off from joining, this might change your tune. Groupon is currently selling a one-year Sam’s Club membership, a $20 gift card, and vouchers for select fresh food items for just $45.

The Sam’s Club membership alone normally costs $45, and the gift card is as good as cash, so this is an insane value if you like to buy in bulk. [One-Year Sam’s Club Membership, $20 Gift Card, and Free Fresh Food Certificates, $45]

https://www.groupon.com/deals/sam-s-cl...

Note: There’s also a $25 option that eliminates the gift cards and most of the vouchers, and only comes with the membership and a rotisserie chicken. The $45 option comes with the rotisserie chicken anyway, and is clearly the better deal here.

This ergonomically-designed wireless mouse has the feature set of a high-end mouse—adjustable DPI, nine buttons, detachable palm rest—but at a decidedly bargain basement price. [Etekcity Scroll M910 Wireless Vertical Mouse, $19 with code 6SSB52R2]

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ZWTEFAU/...

You spent anywhere from $350-$17,000 on your Apple Watch, so it’s probably worth $8 to charge it in style. Unfortunately, this model won’t work with watchOS 2’s nightstand mode, but if you use your phone or a wake-up light to wake up, that’s a non-issue. I’ve had this stand since the day I got my watch, and it’s great. [Spigen Apple Watch Charging Stand, $8 with code L2EBZFYP]

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...

http://bestsellers.kinja.com/bestsellers-ph...

Dell’s P2715Q 4K monitor has always been the most affordable 27” 4K IPS display on the market, but today, it’s all the way down to $430.

If you aren’t familiar, IPS displays boast superior color accuracy and viewing angles compared to the TN panels you’ll find in most cheap 4K monitors, and with this deal, you’re basically getting IPS for “free” compared to the going rate of ~27” TN 4K panels. I own the 24” model of this exact monitor, and I absolutely love it. [Dell P2715Q 27” 4K IPS Display, $430]

http://www.ebay.com/itm/3913022344...

I fully concede that Corkcicle looks a little ridiculous—Obama’s not going to be using these at state dinners—but if you need to cool down a bottle of wine quickly, this is one of the best options at your disposal. [Corkcicle Classic Wine Chiller, $12]

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B009F5PJFM/...

Today, we’re illuminating a pair of great deals on motion-sensing LED lights; one for inside your house, and one for outside.

[3 Pack] OxyLED Stick-on Anywhere Portable LED Wireless Motion Sensing LED Night Light ($18) | Amazon | Use code 8KPMREHJ

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B014P7G4PS

Mpow 8 LED Solar Powerd Sensor Light ($14) | Amazon | Use code H96SE95Q

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00XJJV1FM

If you’re home theater could use an audio upgrade, we’ve spotted two great deals on Pioneer receivers today.

Meh has a 5.1 channel model available for $144 today, or about $100 less than elsewhere. That’s a pretty great deal, but if you want something a bit more future-proofed, and a lot more feature-packed, Amazon also has the 7.2 channel Pioneer VSX-1130-K marked down to $430, or about $170 less than usual.

You can’t go wrong either way, but make your selection soon, as both of these deals are only available today.

Pioneer 5.1 Channel AV Receiver with HDMI 2.0 ($144) | meh

https://meh.com/

Pioneer VSX-1130-K 7.2-Channel AV Receiver with Built-In Bluetooth and Wi-Fi ($430) | Amazon

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00V84S1ZS/...

If you have any Sherlock fans on your holiday shopping list, you can go ahead and cross them off today.

This limited edition gift set includes the first three seasons of the BBC’s latest adaptation, tons of bonus features, and even collectible busts of Holmes and Watson. The whole set checks in at $100 today as part of a Gold Box deal, which is an all-time low price, so your decision to buy it should be elementary. [Sherlock Limited Edition Gift Set (The Complete Seasons 1-3), $100]

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NB9Y0US/...

At $23, this gaming keyboard obviously doesn’t include mechanical key switches, but you do get customizable backlighting and six programmable function keys. It’s waterproof too, for some reason! [Etekcity Scroll K9500 Professional Gaming Keyboard, $23 with code KEYBOA22]

http://www.amazon.com/Etekcity-Scrol...

Racing fans can pick up a copy of F1 2015 on PS4 or Xbox One today for $40, an all-time low. I can’t say I know much about it, but the graphics look stunning. [F1 2015 (Formula One), $40]

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VBZVFW0/...

In case you missed it earlier in the month, the best DVR for cord cutters is back in stock, complete with discounted lifetime service.

The TiVo Roamio OTA is the TiVo box you know and love, but designed specifically for users of HDTV antennas. The box itself retails for $50, but it typically comes saddled with a $15 monthly service fee. While supplies last though, you can get the box plus lifetime (of the box, not of you) service for a single, upfront $300 fee. That’s a hefty investment, but it’ll pay for itself in 17 months compared to committing to a monthly fee.

Lifetime service for most TiVos costs an exorbitant $500, so you’re actually saving a ton of money by forgoing the cable card here. Unfortunately, they only seem to sell these boxes in limited quantities, so be sure to grab one before it sells out again. [TiVo Roamio OTA HD DVR with Product Lifetime Service, $300]

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0148ZRFVO/...

From time to time, we’ll see USB battery packs with built-in microUSB charging cables, but this model from OLALA swaps that out for an Apple Lightning cable, in addition to a standard USB port.

Granted, it wouldn’t be too hard to find a 6,000mAh battery pack and a Lightning cable for less than $24 combined, but there’s definitely something to be said for not having to worry about packing an extra wire. [OLALA C2 6,000mAh Lightning Charger, $24 with code BL3UY33F]

http://www.amazon.com/Certified-OLAL...

Alternative: Add a Lightning or microUSB cable to your keychain, and you’ll never find yourself without one.

http://gear.kinja.com/these-keychain...

If you can’t start your day without a morning cup of coffee, but you’re still using an electric drip coffee maker, or even (gasp) a Keurig, you might want to try out a flavor-extracting french press. This inexpensive Homdox model looks nearly identical to the excellent Bodum Chambord, but is significantly cheaper at $17.

If you’re not convinced, know that french press took the #1 spot in Lifehacker’s coffee-making Hive Five, and many coffee aficionados swear by it. And with no disposable filters to buy (not to mention K-Cups, if you’re using a Keurig), this machine could pay for itself over time.

Today’s Amazon deal is the cheapest we’ve ever seen this model, but we don’t know how long it will last, so perk up and lock in your order while you can. [Homdox French Press Coffee & Tea Maker, $17 with code BIL864QQ]

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ZW8Y7PE/

More Coffee Gear

http://gear.kinja.com/buying-guide-g...

The original Sony RX100 has had three sequels since release, but it’s still the camera that singlehandedly made point and shoots relevant again.

Considering its most recent incarnation, the RX100-IV clocks in at $950, $398 for the original model is a great price for anyone who wants to take great photos without fiddling with lenses. We’ve seen it a bit cheaper from a few eBay sellers, but this is a match for the best price Amazon has ever offered. [Sony RX100, $398]

http://www.amazon.com/Sony-DSC-RX100...

If you’re a satisfied Apple Watch owner, but don’t want to pay Apple a month’s rent just for a metal band, this third party option is down to just $25 today, and is available in silver and space grey for both watch case sizes. [Oittm Stainless Steel Apple Watch Band, $25 with code M9T6AYIC]

http://www.amazon.com/Oittm-Stainles...

Steaming is no substitute for ironing, but it’ll get you 90% of the way to a wrinkle free wardrobe in a fraction of the time. Assuming you have room in your closet, this steamer is a steal at $40. [SALAV GS34-BJ Performance Garment Steamer, $40]

http://www.ebay.com/itm/2915829160...

20% iTunes gift card discounts are great, but they’re not exactly rare. Anything more than that though qualifies as truly exciting, including this $100 gift card for $75. [$100 iTunes Gift Card, $75]

http://www.ebay.com/itm/100-iTunes...

Co-op: Your External Hard Drive Pick: Western Digital My Passport Ultra

Tech

Storage

• ORICO 2588US3 Tool Free USB 3.0 External Hard Drive Enclosure for 2.5” SATA HDD and SSD ($8) | Amazon | Use code DMV5JXD5

Power

• Fujitsu HR-4UTCEX(4B) 4-Pack AAA New 2100 Cycle Ni-MH Pre-Charged Rechargeable Batteries ($11) | Newegg
• DBPOWER 6 US Outlet & 6 USB Surge Protecter ($22) | Amazon | Use code DFKHK6MD
• Kmashi Victor K1 5000mAh Portable Charger USB with 2Amp Input Fast Charging ($8) | Amazon | Use code PIRVWBWG
• Lumsing 8000mAh Ultrathin Power Bank ($10) | Amazon | Use code 5XGIAEL9
• Aukey 12W / 2.4A Dual Ports Home Travel USB Wall Charger Adapter, Black ($6) | Amazon | Use code W7BRRH42
• Lumsing Lightning Cable ($6) | Amazon | Use code NDT7JXI6
• aWaTour Universal Worldwide Travel Adapter ($10) | Amazon | Use code SBMSAQY4
• Tronsmart Quick Charge 2.0 42W 3 Ports USB Rapid Car Charger ($10) | Amazon | Promo code DZJKD99Z

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0156DT7DQ

Audio

• UE MEGABOOM Wireless Bluetooth Speaker ($232) | Amazon
• SoundPEATs Q9A Wireless Bluetooth Sweatproof Secure Fit Earbuds ($30) | Amazon | Use code Q5KAVKTB
  
• Inateck Portable Hi-Fi Wireless Bluetooth 4.0 Speaker ($30) | Amazon | Use code IJKGJLTZ
  
• Blackzebra Wireless Stereo Sports Headphones ($12) | Amazon | Promo code HUBAWINR

http://www.amazon.com/Inateck-Portab...

Home Theater

• Hisense 55-Inch 1080p 120Hz LED Smart HDTV ($500) | Walmart
• Samsung 32” 1080p LED Smart HDTV ($320) | Best Buy
• Pioneer 5.1 Channel AV Receiver with HDMI 2.0 ($144) | meh
• Pioneer VSX-1130-K 7.2-Channel AV Receiver with Built-In Bluetooth and Wi-Fi ($430) | Amazon

Computers & Accessories

• Etekcity Scroll M910 Wireless Vertical Mouse ($19) | Amazon | Use code 6SSB52R2
• Samsung 23.6-Inch Curved Screen LED-lit Monitor ($200) | Amazon
• Inateck 3 ports USB 3.0 Hub with RJ45 Gigabit Ethernet adapter ($20) | Amazon | Use code KC3A8B7V
• Kmashi Financial Accounting Ultrathin USB 2.4G Mini Wireless Nano Receiver Numeric Pad Touchpad 18 Keys Numerical Keyboard Keypad ($13) | amazon | Use code M569JS8O

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WR28MAY/...

PC Parts

• Samsung 850 EVO 500GB 2 5” SATA III Internal SSD ($150) | eBay
• SeaSonic 660W 80 PLUS PLATINUM Certified Full Modular Power Supply ($80) | Newegg | After rebate and promo code EMCKANW23

Mobile Devices

• Spigen Apple Watch Charging Stand ($8) | Amazon | Promo code L2EBZFYP

Photography

• Lowepro Passport Sling II Camera Bag ($17) | Adorama
• Tamrac 5456 Mirage 6 Photo/Tablet Backpack ($80) | Amazon
• DBPOWER Waterproof Action Camera 12MP 1080P HD with 2 Batteries and Free Accessories Kit (Black) ($45) | Amazon | Use code 9F4JP5N7

Home

• Honeywell Wi-Fi 7 Day Programmable Thermostat ($73) | Rakuten
• Hoover Air Cordless Series 3.0 Bagless Upright Vacuum ($155) | Amazon
• Insignia Portable Wire Heater ($18) | Best Buy
• Duck Shrink Film Indoor Window Kit ($10) | Walmart
• IRIS Airtight Pet Food Container Combo Kit ($16) | Amazon
• [3 Pack] OxyLED Stick-on Anywhere Portable LED Wireless Motion Sensing LED Night Light ($18) | Amazon | Use code 8KPMREHJ
• Mpow 8 LED Solar Powerd Sensor Light ($14) | Amazon | Use code H96SE95Q
• Moroccan Lantern Clorful Glass Candle Holder ($10) | Amazon | Use code KAAD2FJ6
• Ancheer 6ft 3/4 Inch Wide Dog Leash ($22) | Amazon | Use code Q29XE4Y4
• Baby Monitor 1.3MP High Definition 720P Pan/Tilt ($50) | Amazon | Use code 3NHBBGW6

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012C6HLUQ

Beauty & Grooming

• Prospera PL008 Penguin Percussion Massager with Heat ($35) | Staples

Kitchen

• KitchenAid KHB1231 2-Speed Hand Blender Empire Red Electric Mixer ($28) | Amazon
• Lodge Manufacturing Company Pre-Seasoned Cast Iron Square Grill Pan with Red Silicone Hot Handle Holder, 10.5” ($23) | Amazon
• Corkcicle Classic Wine Chiller ($12) | Amazon
• Thermos Stainless Steel Beverage Can Insulator for 12 Ounce Can ($8) | Amazon
• Hario Cold Brew Coffee Pot ($15) | Amazon
• Mr. Coffee Steam Espresso Machine ($30) | Best Buy
• Wilton Cake Caddy ($11) | Amazon
• DBPOWER Multifunctional Digital Kitchen Scale ($11) | Amazon | Use code IW86N6C6

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000EN4FCM/...

Fitness

• Inateck Runners Belt Waistband w/ wallet for Night Running ($9) | Amazon | Use code GFZC32JL

Apparel

• 50% Off Select Skechers Shoes | Amazon
• Take an Extra 25% off at Shoebuy with Code HALLOWEENFUN
• Merrell Sirah Cloak Sandals - Women’s ($67) | REI
• Coach Phone Leather Crossbody ($70) | Bonton | Stack code FFOCT15PASS and FREESHIP25

Camping & Outdoors

• Coleman North Rim 0-Degree Mummy Bag ($38) | Amazon
• Wenzel Pine Ridge 5 Dome Tent, 5-Person ($45) | Woot
• Ozark Trail Low-Profile Chair ($14) | Walmart
• Ozark Trail Gustabus 32L Backpack ($15) | Walmart
• DBPOWER Portable outdoor lamp (Super Bright) ($10) | Amazon
• YKS Canvas Hammock (79 Inch × 34 Inch) ($17) | Amazon | Use code 8OIM6A8I

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0157WNPAC

Tools & Auto

• TOTU Bluetooth FM Transmitter ($13) | Amazon | Use code 2Q4JOAYZ
• Kmashi Portable Car Jump Starter, 400A ($40) | Amazon
• Craftsman 8 Function Digital Multimeter ($10) | Sears
• Craftsman 10-Piece Air Tool Set ($70) | Sears
• Craftsman 42 Piece Drive and Torx Set ($30) | Sears
• DieHard 425 Watt Power Inverter ($35) | Sears
• Pioneer AVIC-8100NEX In-Dash Navigation AV Receiver with 7” WVGA Capacitive Touchscreen Display, Apple CarPlay, and Android Auto ($900) | Amazon

http://www.amazon.com/Portable-Capac...

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Send deal submissions to Deals@Gawker and all other inquiries to Shane@Gawker

Part of any huge film premiere these days includes people showing up in costume—and The Force Awakens is going to be no exception, as Jedi, Sith, Stormtroopers and Smugglers take to the streets on December 18th. But new regulations from theaters might mean cosplaying as certain iconic characters may not be allowed.

Images of posters displayed at Cinemark theatres advertising the sale of tickets for the film have declared that while costumed moviegoers are welcome to screenings of the movies, their fake weapons aren’t—and neither are you, if your costume includes a helmet or full face paint.

Robe hoods down, Jedi! When you think about it, that wipes out a lot of Star Wars aliens—but also some iconic characters. Darth Vader, Darth maul, Stormtroopers of either the Empire or the First Order, Boba Fett, even new Baddies Kylo Ren and Captain Phasma. Cinemark aren’t the only theater chain imposing the rule, either—for their Star Wars showings, AMC are banning costumes with helmets too, but are slightly more lenient in allowing costume Lightsabers to be brought into cinemas (like Cinemark, Blasters are absolutely not allowed).

It’s a sign of the times really—fears of potential mass shootings in the U.S. akin to the Dark Knight Rises incident in Aurora three years ago have seen big theater chains on edge ever since. Considering the furor of anticipation around the new Star Wars film, the idea of teeming crowds of people, some clad in face-concealing masks and makeup, is already enough of a logistical headache without having to check for potential concealed weapons.

So if you’re heading out in cosplay this December, make sure you pick a character that doesn’t have a helmet—you wouldn’t want to be booted out from a showing just because you turned up as Captain Phasma rather than Rey.

[Via Outer Places]

In the main Justice League comic, some of DC’s preeminent superheroes have become infused with the power of gods. All that increased might hasn’t exactly changed Superman, Batman and the Flash for the better. The Dark Knight’s campaign for justice was already obsessive but, when he becomes the God of Knowledge, it gets extremely personal.

Spoilers follow for the Justice League: Darkseid War storyline and Justice League: Darkseid War: Batman #1

In the current Justice League storyline, the super-team’s caught up in a cosmic battle between two of the multiverse’s most powerful villains, Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor. The climactic clash between the two left Darkseid dead and various members of the League radically transformed. The Flash has been bonded to the Black Racer to become the new God of Death. Superman’s absorbed negative energy from Darkseid’s home planet of Apokalips and changed into the God of Strength. And Batman now sits in the Mobius Chair once occupied by the all-knowing Metron, which has transformed him into the God of Knowledge.

The Darkseid War happens before the big changes that have shaken up some of DC’s biggest icons. Wonder Woman’s costume change and political dramas aren’t seen here. And the story arc stars a Superman who still has his full power set and secret identity. Batman is still a Bruce Wayne who has full memory of the training and trauma that helped him become the Dark Knight.

The source of that trauma is the main focus of a new Batman one-shot tying into The Darkseid War. Written by Peter Tomasi, with art by Fernando Pasarin, Matt Ryan, Gabe Eltaeb and Dave Sharpe, Justice League: Darkseid War: Batman #1 shows what happens when an omniscient Batman comes home to Gotham. His newfound power lets Batman read minds, predict the future and teleport, which he uses to stop crimes before they happen. Of course, this kind of crimefighting doesn’t hold up in court and that makes Commissioner Gordon pretty mad.

After going all pre-cog on some other would-be lawbreakers, Batman turns his attention to the most important criminal in his life: the man who killed Bruce Wayne’s parents. When all the knowledge of the universe flooded into his head in Justice League #42, Batman learned the name of the petty crook who murdered Thomas and Martha Wayne.

As written, the scene is unclear as to whether Batman knew who Joe Chill was prior to this moment. DC re-booted its continuity in 2011—making much of its publishing history irrelevant and resetting the fictional lives of its characters—which means that this could very well be the first time the revelation happens in this Batman’s life.

Update: It’s been pointed out that Bruce Wayne learned who killed his parents after the the New 52 reboot in Batman: The Dark Knight #0.

The confrontation between Joe Chill and Batman has happened before. The first time was in 1948’s Batman #47, where the superhero tracks down an older Joe Chill who’s risen through Gotham’s underworld.

That beat would get repeated and expanded upon as the decades rolled on, as seen in the 1970s re-telling excerpted below.

As various creators revisited Joe Chill and what it would mean for Batman to come face-to-face with him, the element of retribution at the hands of other criminals became part of Bat-lore. You can see a version of that idea play out in a clip from the Batman: The Brave and the Bold cartoon below.

Tomasi’s scripting of that scene hits many of the same beats but adds a few important changes. This sequence finds Chill doing hard time in a jail cell, not an underboss in Gotham’s mafia. And the writing makes Chill out to be more of a sadist, gleeful that he killed rich people and held the power of life and death over a scared eight-year-old boy on that fateful night.

Then, as has happened many times before, Batman drops the bomb.

It’s still a powerful moment. Traditionally, this scene has been when Batman’s shown himself to be the most human, most vulnerable facet of the Dark Knight myth. He goes from an implacable force of nature to a rage-filled grieving boy, one who, in some iterations of the scene, stands on the cusp of taking Chill’s life.

It can be argued that making Batman a literal god makes him even more fearsome and that his unmasking is a sign that he hasn’t lost touch with his humanity. But, mostly, it feels like this piece of Batman lore is happening in the wrong place. The Dark Knight doesn’t earn this knowledge the way he did in other versions of this confrontation. None of that sowing fear and reaping justice by virtue of skill and training. A magic chair tells him. Batman unmasking himself to the person who killed his mom and dad loses some of its dramatic impact when it’s wrapped up in a tie-in to a cosmic-level Justice League storyline. Sadly, it’s yet another tidy metaphor as to what happens when these characters’ long publishing histories get scuttled by editorial fiat.

Contact the author at evan@kotaku.com.

Star Wars fan or not, you probably got emotional watching the most recent trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Even if you were just annoyed at how excited everyone else was, it made you feel something, and now everyone’s favorite feelings have weighted in.

Disney has released the above video, which features the emotions from Inside Out reacting, to the latest–and last–Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer. Everyone gets a little bit here, but my favorite is how Sadness reacts when she realizes we still have to wait two months for the movie. I’m with you, Sadness.

[H/T Wired]

Contact the author at germain@io9.com.

Ash vs. Evil Dead doesn’t premiere until Halloween, but it’s already coming back for season 2. Starz announced the pick up Wednesday saying “the adventures of Ash Williams can’t end with season one.” Groovy.

[Variety]

Contact the author at germain@io9.com.

Time and time again, Gary Oldman proves there’s nothing he can’t do. However, his latest project takes that statement to a whole new level. He is co-writing a book called Blood Riders which will “reinvent the rules and realities of vampires and sex and the power of love.”

“The power of love,” huh? It’s a curious thing, and that quote is from Oldman’s long-time manager and co-writer on Blood Riders, Douglas Urbanski. He spoke to Deadline about the project:

Back in 2009 when Gary was filming Book Of Eli, we came up with this story that had to do with vampires. Whether it might be a film, a series of books or a TV show, we didn’t pigeonhole it but we but buzzed by the idea. We met several times in my kitchen, mapped out the story and where it would go, reinventing the rules and realities of vampires and sex and the power of love. There were rabbit trails that went nowhere, but we concluded that we had landed on something we hadn’t seen done before.

Well, after having a bunch of book publishers bite on the idea, Oldman and Urbanski signed a deal with Simon and Schuster with the aim to publish Blood Riders in Spring 2016.

Unfortunately, there aren’t many clues of what they mean by redefining the “rules and realities” of vampires. Twilight did that too, and it wasn’t necessarily well-received among hardcore vampire fans. You have to think, though, Gary Oldman isn’t going to make vampires sparkle.

One trope Oldman and Urbanski aren’t redefining is an eye on the future. They want to make Blood Riders a trilogy:

First concern is to make sure the book comes out and is really good and we are planning a series of three of them. The first one ends leaving you needing to know what becomes of Magnus, the hero who had a curse placed on him by a vampire.

[Deadline]

Contact the author at germain@io9.com.

Okay, I’ll admit it: I have a huge crush on Enceladus. But I happen to think my feelings for Saturn’s icy moon are justified. It’s a brilliant white snowball. It’s got a global ocean beneath its surface. It’s got freakkin’ ice volcanoes. Best of all, based on samples collected during today’s historic flyby, we might soon know if Enceladus is habitable.

In just a few hours, NASA’s Cassini probe is going to nose-dive through the plume of water ice spewing out of fissures at Enceladus’ south pole. It’ll be collecting samples and decoding their chemistry to assess the habitability of the moon’s subsurface ocean. What Cassini finds during this flyby could well determine whether NASA sends a dedicated life-seeking mission to Enceladus in the future.

“This is a very big step in a new era of exploring ocean worlds in our solar system,” Cassini program Curt Niebur said during a NASA teleconference on Monday. “These are bodies with great potential to provide oases for life.”

In anticipation of all the awesome science to come, let’s review what we know about this fascinating Saturnian satellite, and what we can expect to find out.

A Most Mysterious Cosmic Snowball

If you were cruising past Saturn on an interplanetary sabbatical, you might get lucky enough to spy a gleaming white pearl, nestled in the gas giant’s dusty E-ring 150,000 miles out from the planet itself. Whip out your space-grade binoculars for a closer look. If the object is perfectly round, 310 miles across, and enveloped in a halo of icy grains, then congratulations, my friend, you’ve found Enceladus.

Covered in a thick ice sheet that reflects nearly 100% of incoming sunlight, the tiny Saturnian moon of Enceladus is one of the brightest objects in our solar system. Enceladus first caught the eye of astronomer William Herschel in 1789, but little was known about the moon until Voyagers 1 and 2 sailed past Saturn in the early 1980s. In recent years we’ve gotten to know Enceladus much better thanks to NASA’s Cassini probe, whose high-resolution images of the moon reveal a motley mixture of cratered glaciers, icy fissures and frozen plains. If the gravity were a bit stronger, it’d be a cross country skier’s paradise.

Enceladus, captured at a distance of 70,000 miles by the Cassini spacecraft on July 27th, 2015. Like many moons, Enceladus’ northern terrain is covered by impact craters. Land to the south is dominated by fractures and long, linear features. Image Credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech/SSI

Enceladus’ diverse and largely crater-free surface suggests that the moon is geologically active today. That means it may have a hot planetary core, and while any radiogenic heat left over from the moon’s formation should have dissipated long ago, scientists speculate that Enceladus is tidally heated through gravitational interactions with Saturn and the moon Dione. (Tidal forces are also thought to power Jupiter’s eruptive moon, Io, and perhaps Europa). The case for an active interior was strengthened when Cassini flew past Enceladus in 2005 and discovered tremendous plumes of icy material spewing out of the moon’s south pole into space.

There are over 100 of these south polar plumes, hurling icy grains through the moon’s thin atmosphere and off into space at approximately 800 miles per hour. The plumes create a halo of fine mist that supplies Saturn’s E-ring, a wide and diffuse disk of ice and dust. Quite literally, Enceladus is being devoured by Saturn. Early on, the moon’s plumes were likened to jets from a high-pressure hose, but a recent analysis suggests that “curtain eruptions,” similar to Hawaii’s famed volcanic fissures, may be a more accurate description for the material spewing out of miles-long cracks in the moon’s surface.

Collage of Cassini images showing long, tendril-like features emanating from Enceladus’ south polar geysers and feeding Saturn’s ring system. a) and c) are computer-enhanced versions of raw Cassini images, while b) and d) are computer-generated images produced by tracing the trajectory of icy particles from 36 of the most active geysers. Image Credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech/SSI

The location of Enceladus’ icy plumes in relation to hot spots detected by Cassini suggests that the eruptions are drawing material up from a liquid reservoir deep beneath the surface. Gravity data published in Science last year confirmed the presence of a subsurface sea at Enceladus’ south pole, beginning roughly 22 miles (35 km) beneath the ice sheet and extending out to at least 50 degrees latitude. Just last month, scientists determined that Enceladus’ ocean wraps all the way around the planet’s hot, rocky interior. The smoking gun was a slight wobble in the moon’s orbit around Saturn, an anomaly, researchers say, that’s simply “too large for a rigid connection between [ice] shell and core.”

The structure of Enceladus’ interior. Image Credit: NASA/JPL

A globe-spanning ocean is exciting enough, but it gets even better: We’ve tasted this moon’s plume water, and it’s surprisingly Earth-like. Samples collected by previous Cassini flybys revealed water vapor, simple organic compounds, salts, and ammonia. Earlier this year, Carnegie Science’s Christopher Glein used this data to construct a chemical model of Enceladus’ ocean. His work suggests that the ocean’s seawater is alkaline, with a pH between 11 and 12.

While that’s basic by Earth standards — our oceans have an average pH of 8.1 — it’s not necessarily too basic. There are alkaline lakes on Earth that harbor diverse microbial communities. What’s more, the ocean’s high pH is best explained by serpentinization, a geochemical process that produces molecular hydrogen (H2). H2, in turn, is an energy source that supports microbes living in Earth’s crust today. This metabolic strategy could be as old as life itself, perhaps originating in deep sea vents billions of years ago.

Conceptual model of Enceladus’ south pole plumes. Image Credit: NASA / JPL

“The deduced pH is completely compatible with life as we know it; indeed, life on Earth may have begun under similar conditions,” Glein and his co-authors write. “These considerations provide major motivation for future missions to explore Enceladus as a habitable world, whether past or present.”

A Life Finder Mission?

The apparent Earthliness of Enceladus’ ocean places the moon on a very short shortlist of promising candidates for alien life in our solar system. As Cornell astronomer Jonathan Lunine put it at the inaugural ceremony of the Carl Sagan Institute this spring, “Everything that we measure about Enceladus tilts in the direction of habitability.”

Eruptions from Enceladus’ south pole (left) modeled (right) as curtains that stretch along fractures. Image Credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech/SSI/PSI

That’s why Lunine and colleagues recently proposed the Enceladus Life Finder. The proposed Life Finder mission, which I wrote about last spring, would be a lightweight, solar-powered probe, designed to sail through Enceladus’ south pole plumes, collect samples, and use state-of-the-art mass spectrometers to hunt for amino acids, cell membrane components, and other biosignatures. Analysis of the carbon and hydrogen isotopes present in Enceladus’ seawater would could offer further evidence of metabolic reactions. Within weeks of collecting samples, such a mission could definitively tell us whether Enceladus has life.

If it were up to me, it’d be the next mission on our list. But there’s a big solar system to explore and limited funds with which to do so. NASA has already committed to a Europa mission in the 2020s; New Horizons is well on its way to the Kuiper Belt and we’d love for it to continue doing great science. The NASA Discovery Program’s latest shortlist of low-cost planetary exploration missions highlighted other intriguing targets, including a crazy metallic asteroid, the Trojan asteroids orbiting Jupiter, and our long-neglected nearest neighbor Venus.

Enceladus didn’t made the latest cut, but depending on the data Cassini collects this week, the tiny moon could get another shot.

What’s Happening Today

At approximately 11:22 EDT this Wednesday, Cassini will make its deepest dive yet into Enceladus’ south pole plume, sailing 18.6 miles (30 km) over the the moon’s surface. It’ll be moving at a vigorous clip —some 12,000 miles per hour (19,000 kph) — which means the flyby will be over in a fraction of a second. But that’s enough time for Cassini to collect the tiny sample of ocean water needed to answer some of the most pressing questions about this enigmatic moon.

Plumes from Enceladus’ geysers are illuminated by Saturnshine. Image Credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech, Space Science Institute.

As Linda Spilker, a Cassini project scientist at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory explained in a teleconference on Monday, today’s flyby has three main science goals. First and foremost, using Cassini’s neutral mass spectrometer (INMS) to seek out the molecular hydrogen we suspect is present. “The measurement of H2 is a key component of the energetic basis of habitability on icy worlds,” Glein told Gizmodo in an email, noting that its discovery would “feed into the objectives of next-generation missions, including the Enceladus Life Finder and sample return.” In addition to representing a viable energy source, Spilker notes that molecular hydrogen would “provide an independent line of evidence for hydrothermal activity taking place” at Enceladus’ seafloor.

But in order for Enceladus to be truly habitable, other ingredients need to be present besides hydrogen. The second objective of the flyby is to use Cassini’s cosmic dust analyzer (CDA) to characterize the broader suite of chemicals present in the moon’s seawater. We’ve already sniffed simple organic molecules like methane, but by sampling closer to the surface, Spilker says, “we might find new organics that we haven’t seen previously or are just at the limit of our detection.”

Five Saturnian moons are present in this Cassini portrait (Enceladus shines brightly at the center.) Can you spot them all? Image Credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech/Space Science Institute

Finally, Wednesday’s flyby will hopefully settle the debate over the nature of the plumes themselves — whether they’re discrete, high pressure jets, or curtain-like eruptions, a distinction which Spilker says will have “major implications for how long Enceladus might have been active.” Although the moon’s south pole will be facing away from the Sun at the time of the flyby, Cassini will also be snapping tons of images using Saturnshine, sunlight scattered off the local gas giant’s atmosphere. We’re expecting a phenomenal view of the plumes, backlit against Saturn and its rings.

We’re not going to find hard evidence of life on this flyby. But we’re taking an important step in that direction. As Niebur puts it, Cassini will “tell us about the characteristics of that ocean and whether life on Enceladus is a remote possibility.”

As for how advanced life might be on Enceladus, should it exist? We’re almost certainly talking microbes. But, Spilker syas, “if we use an analogy to Earth’s oceans and kinds of life living near hydrothermal vents, you could perhaps have a very diverse community.”

Even if giant alien cephalopods are out of the question, discovering any life on Enceladus would be Earth-shattering. “The importance the discovery life would generate is that life exists somewhere else,” Cassini project manager Earl Maize said. “And if it arose twice — in one solar system —the implications for how probable and frequently it arises in the universe as a whole are profound.”

References

Iess et al. 2014. The gravity field and interior structure of Enceladus. Science. [Link.]

Spitale et al. 2015. Curtain eruptions from Enceladus’ south-polar terrain. Nature. [Link.]

Thomas et al. 2015. Enceladus’ measured physical libration requires a global subsurface ocean. Icarus. [arXiv preprint]

Glein et al. 2015. The pH of Enceladus’ ocean. Geochimica et Cosmochimica Acta. [arXiv preprint]

Follow the author @themadstone

Top: Enceladus, looking magnificent suspended over Saturn’s rings. Image Credit: NASA / JPL

The new Jem and the Holograms movie did not entirely win over all the fans of the original 1980s cartoon, right on the heels of that Peter Pan prequel. But there have been plenty of disastrous reboots in the past. Here are nine of the most baffling reboots of all time.

1) The Night Stalker

In two TV movies and his own short-lived series, reporter Carl Kolchak investigated the supernatural working as a Chicago-based newspaper journalist, much to the chagrin of his tormented editor. Though the series was off the air after just one season in 1975, Kolchak stuck with the people who saw it, as an utterly unique fusion of horror, mystery and comedy with a bizarre lead and rotating cast of newspapermen.

When Frank Spotnitz revived the series in 2005, the the mummies and dream-creatures made of Spanish moss from the original were no longer committing city-wide murder (although the pilot did feature hell-hounds…). Instead, each episode’s “monster” was a corrupt human, displaying demonic tendencies incubated by their own guilt, memory or obsession—strictly human tendencies. Set against a bleak, perpetually dark city, lit only by the yellow headlights of passing cars and dirty streetlights, the show’s focus was uniquely timed to 2005. With the stories on secret societies and corruption in journalism, the “monsters of the week” were torn from the headlines of its current presidential administration. And while it was definitely a “more dour” take on the property, the show’s main hurdle was the character himself. Kolchak’s distinct, fascinating personality had been riven into three distinct characters, like a transporter malfunction.

The new Kolchak—no longer unable to keep a girlfriend, but instead haunted by a deceased wife he had been suspected of killing himself—was tasked with the brooding, dark arts-focused mindset leading to the show’s ghosts and goblins, while lucidity and reason fell in the hands of Gabrielle Union as crime reporter Perri Reed. Eric Jungmann handled “squirreliness” duties as McManus, the comedy tag-along.

The need to make a Kolchak a post-Buffy ensemble really dragged its storytelling capabilities down, leading to many scenes of three people in a room, talking, instead of all these weird ideas exploding from a single character.

At its best, the series achieved a level of quality equal to late-period X-Files– season eight, maybe.

2) Friday the 13^th

After heading to New York, going to space and battling Freddy Krueger himself, the hive-mind behind the Friday the 13^th series—detailing the adventures of an unstoppable zombie who died at summer camp—decided it should reboot itself after thirty years to start the whole cycle anew.

While the reboot synopsized the first four movies—and introduced the idea that Camp Crystal Lake was built over a disused mine shaft—this was a devastating waste of potential. By this point, the franchise had actually given itself a lot of really fascinating material to work with. After his countless murders, death and resurrection, a visit to Times Square, full bodily obliteration at the hands of a SWAT team, and meeting Freddy Kreuger, the government suddenly knew about Jason Voorhees. The FBI knew about Jason, as did the president and the military. No longer a campfire story, after eleven movies, Jason Voorhees had officially become a fact of reality—and no one reasoned this was an amazing springboard to launch a new series of stories. Jason Voorhees-as-Osama bin Laden can no longer hide.

And it’s especially too bad because there was a great alternative storyline available. When tasked with writing stories set within the universe, the Friday the 13^th comics series from DC/Wildstorm did some really interesting things—a story written by Jason Aaron featured Voorhees befriending (to the best of his abilities) a child with a similar cranio-facial abnormality, leading to a Citizen Ruth-style satire where the full force of the state and the boy’s grieving parents come to retrieve him.

Following the events of Jason X, Voorhees is now marooned on a dead planet, with nothing to kill on sight—only to explore. Imagine if Paramount had made Wall-E, with Jason Voorhees, before Pixar. A new cycle of films with Jason Voorhees as a mute antihero would have been beautiful.

3) The New 52

Considering the high quality of a lot of the material published prior to August 2011—and then everything that followed—DC’s attempt to reboot itself winds up looking like one of the all-time weirdest.

Prior to the New 52, things really felt as if they were hurdling toward a new era. The decades-spanning Batman: The Brave & The Bold was on TV, while Batman, Inc. was happening in the comics. The books, at their best, were head-and-shoulders above Marvel’s latest output. The sudden relaunch in 2011 not only soured DC’s best creative teams, but lead to a dripping trail of editorial gaffes and redesigns in an attempt to streamline the last 75 years of material. Five years after this relaunch, an inexplicably younger Commissioner Gordon is the current Batman due to Bruce Wayne’s selective amnesia, Dick Grayson has become a secret agent, Damien Wayne has died at the hand of his own microcephalic clone, etc.

4) A Nightmare on Elm Street

Featuring no imaginative set pieces, and a twenty-minute stretch in which we’re supposed to believe Freddy Krueger is innocent, this 2010 Rooney Mara vehicle fell horribly flat. Starring Jackie Earle Haley as Krueger—in life, a live-in preschool gardener (!)—this remains the dullest film about dreams ever. Haley’s Krueger, resembling some sort of toad or reptile, and a voice like Jim Backus’ as Mr. Magoo, fails to bring the sort of joie de vivre Englund defined the role with. Elm Street movies should be—and can be—anything but boring. This one actually makes you want to go to sleep—death be damned.

5) Fright Night

Turning Peter Vincent into a rock-star magician (which there are exactly zero of in reality, compared to the hundreds of cable access horror hosts across the country) this “contemporary” take on Fright Night offered a streamlined, effects-less version where even the mom gets in on the action! While the 1985 film—and to a lesser extent its sequel—was wall-to-wall gorgeous, practical effects and weird set design, you get a car chase here and… that’s about it.

In the original, Brewster, the teenager who dresses like it’s still the 1930’s, discovers his next door neighbor is a vampire and enlists the aide of Peter Vincent, actor and host of local cable access show Fright Night—and a modernization of this story completely misses the point. Most egregiously, the reboot totally omits Fright Night’s best character, Jerry’s implied roommate/lover and possible swamp monster, Billy Cole.

6) Space Invaders/Space Raiders

A very peculiar remake of the arcade game from Taito, 2002’s Space Raiders offered a dark, gritty, update to the original with swearing, nudity, and (in its favor) some pretty cool–looking alien leaf insects that resemble brains when their wings are closed. While the invaders are indeed from space, the action is set entirely on Earth in the scorched ruins of an invaded city. While the new additions, including playable characters, Justin, Ashley and Naji, are as empty as space itself, the aliens do still move in neat little formations as if it were a biological imperative, which is actually kind of interesting. The problem is that Space Raiders is an all too literal take on colorful toy-machine, and just isn’t vey fun at all.

7) Conan the Barbarian

A failed reinvention of the Robert E. Howard character, 2011’s Conan the Barbarian, like 2010’s Clash of the Titans and ‘12’s Wrath of the Titans, is another dud. And like the Titans remakes, what the Conan reboot lacked in character, it made up for in ash. Grey, flaming ash, blowing all around, everywhere. There’s some orange tint in there, too. They certainly doubled-down on a statuesque cast (Rachel Nichols and Jason Momoa) straight out of a Frazetta painting, but the film never fully embraces—or refutes—the meat-headed fun of the original. But we do get its ashes.

8) The Fantastic Four (2015)

This is sort of a gimme, but still worth mentioning. When it comes to reboots that completely lose the thread of what everybody liked about a particular series, the recent Fantastic Four movie stands alone. We’ll never actually know what went so horribly wrong with this movie, but it doesn’t actually matter. The end result is a film in which instead of fun space exploration and swashbuckling spandex adventurers, we get tortured, self-loathing victims, and a tired plot about the military wanting to exploit them. The Fantastic Four has a lot of neat ideas, but “the military wants to use us as weapons” is not chief among them. As with Pan and Jem, there’s a certain amount of justice in how badly this movie failed.

9) The Punisher: Purgatory

The Punisher was one of Marvel’s hottest characters at one point, until they ran him into the ground. For a while in the early 1990s, the murderous vigilante Frank Castle was starring in three ongoing series, putting him up there with Spider-Man or Batman. But by the mid-1990s, the thrill had worn out. Marvel tried shaking things up—first by putting the notorious mobster-killer Castle in charge of a mafia family, and then with Purgatory. Which is one of the most legendary miscalculations of all time. In this comic, Frank Castle is no longer a guy who kills criminals because his family died, but rather an angelic vigilante tasked with killing demons, by the other angels. As we wrote a few years ago, “Imagine if Spider-Man suddenly gave up his mantle and became ‘Peter Parker, The Crime-Fighting Racecar Driver,’ and you’ll get a good sense of fan reaction.”

If you watched cartoons in the 1980s, odds are the show had a bad-ass theme song. Maybe you even sang it when it came on. He-Man, Jem, Transformers, G.I. Joe, they all had that kind of thing. Now, Pixar’s Toy Story universe gets in on the action.

The latest Toy Story short is called Toy Story that Time Forgot. It debuted on ABC last year and featured all of our favorite Toy Story characters (Woody, Buzz, etc.) interacting with a brand new set of toys: the Battlesaurs. Problem is, the Battlesaurs don’t know they are toys–and that puts our heroes in danger.

The full 22-minutes short hits Blu-ray and digital download on November 3 so, in anticipation, we’re excited to exclusively debut a clip from the extensive special features. It’s actor Kevin McKidd, who you may know from Grey’s Anatomy or Rome, belting out the Battlesaurs theme song as his character, leader Reptillus Maximus.

It’s kind of amazing.

Contact the author at germain@io9.com.

This story is completely true. It happened right here on the internet, on a night just like this.

The True Tale of Creepypasta

Not too long ago, people shared jokes, stories, and lame inspirational messages by copy/pasting text into message board posts or email. On the message board 4chan, users started calling these text memes “copypasta,” a catchy portmanteau of copy and paste. Among the copypasta lurked some seriously scary stories and urban legends, and by the mid-2000s, people were calling these stories “creepypasta.”

Like spaghetti thrown at a wall, the name stuck. And certain creepypasta have carved out a place in the heart of internet culture (which was still beating! When the wind is right, you can still hear its screams).

The infamous Slender Man meme started out as a creepypasta that rapidly grew into an internet mythos as fans added their own stories and images to the canon. Other tales, like “The Rake” and “Candle Cove” also began as one-shot creepypasta but grew into urban legends, given life by communities like Something Awful, Reddit, and Tumblr.

While Slender Man has become so influential that it supposedly inspired a recent stabbing, many creepypasta posts are so hilariously terrible that they’re more like in-jokes among fans.

PHONE WAS INSIDE HOUSE. Image credit: KnowYourMeme

Creepypasta fans agree on one simple, inviolable rule: assume that every story is true. In the fine tradition of urban legends and campfire tales, creepypasta are usually (but not always) first-person accounts of strange and spooky things that happened to the author or someone she knew.

And make no mistake–some of them are hair-raisingly scary. These recommendations should deprive you of a night or two of sound sleep.

The Classics

If you ask the internet for the best of creepypasta, you’re going to get lists of the same seven or eight stories: Jeff the Killer, BEN Drowned, Smile Dog, the Russian Sleep Experiment, and a handful of others. We don’t want to rehash the same old stories, but if you haven’t already encountered creepypasta, these three stories should whet your appetite.

• Children are creepy, and the poster who shared “Bad Dream” knows it. Of course, the thing sleeping on the other side of the bed is even creepier.
  
• “Psychosis” is one of the classics of the creepypasta canon, and it’s a piece of psychological horror that would have been right at home on The Twilight Zone.
  
• One poster’s creepy encounter with a stranger in another classic, “Smiling Man” will make you think twice about walking alone at night.

More Creepypasta to Read in the Dark

• “It had been six months since the accident” is a spooky take on phantom limb syndrome. (It’s actually a response to a two-sentence story, and there are some great super-short creepypasta in its parent thread if you’re looking for quick reads.)
  
• “My dead girlfriend keeps messaging me on Facebook” is heart-wrenching, spooky, and the reason I’m a little afraid of garages now. It starts with a stray Facebook post and gets more horrifying as it moves along. Make sure you click the links to see Nathan’s screenshots; the end of the story plays out as updates in the comment thread.
  
• Sometimes the most frightening monsters look like just another face in the crowd, like in this untitled creepypasta. It’s easy to miss the horror in this one, but once you see it, you won’t be able to unsee it.
  
• If you’re going to the kitchen for a glass of water, do it before you read “There is something very strange going on with my wife,” and try not to wonder who will be there waiting for you.
  
• “I was a part of the Queen’s Guard in England” explains why talking to strangers is such a frighteningly bad idea.
  
• But the people close to you can be so much more horrifying. Who’s really lurking in the darkness of “The Basement”? This story will make you want to lock your bedroom door at night - but you still won’t be able to sleep.
  
• And this entire thread is full of shorter accounts of people’s real-life encounters with ghosts, would-be murderers, and the thing that’s standing behind you right now.
  

So suspend your disbelief, lock the doors, turn out the lights, and settle in for some chill-inducing reading.

Contact the author at k.smithstrickland@gmail.com or follow her on Twitter.

Images: Pixabay